Washington, D. C., February 29, 2013

The Grand Jury of the United States handed down long-awaited indictments of the United States Congress today.  All five hundred thirty-eight members of the House of Representatives and the Senate were named in separate seven count indictments.  The charges are ignoring the oath of office, taking oaths to unelected constituents, failing to complete constitutionally required tasks, taking money under false pretenses, misleading the citizenry, abdication of responsibility and treason.

The only surprise in the indictments was that the fifty to seventy-five members of Congress who have shown they understand the difference between facts and political claims and who have found ways to talk across the aisle were included in the indictments.  At a press briefing announcing the indictments, the spokesperson for the Grand Jury, Thomasina Paine, clarified.  “Although some members of Congress may be shown to be innocent of the specific charges, it is the failure of Congress as the governing body of the United States to work effectively that lead to these indictments.  Therefore the Grand Jury felt obligated to indict all and let the evidence fall where it may”.

On the first count, ignoring the oath of office, the indictment lists a series of breaches of the Congressional Oath of Office including “failing to have serious discussions on the future of Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid, corporate tax expenditures, complaining about out of control spending and too-big government while subsidizing the Senate barber shop $400,000 a year and brinksmanship with every issue  constitute failure to ‘well and faithfully discharge the duties of office’ as required by their oaths of office”.  Also, since the greatest enemy of the US economic recovery today is the Congress, the indictment charges “Congress has become a domestic enemy of the US rather than defending the country against its enemies.”

The second count states that “many in Congress feel such pressure from super-PACs, special interest groups and the extremes of primary voters that they solely serve those groups and not the people of their districts or states as a whole.  That is tantamount to pledging allegiance to bodies not recognized in the Constitution.  Since the donors behind some of these sources do not need to be disclosed, it is also possible that individual members of Congress are in effect following foreign powers and other interests from outside their districts in direct contravention of their oath of office.”

Count three, failing to complete required work, accuses Congress of not doing the work they are required to do to pass a budget and appropriations bills.  Even the recently passed No Budget/No Pay provision seems to have had little impact on them to date.   The indictment charges “proper financial operation of the country requires more care than a string of Continuing Resolutions”.  A bystander at the briefing was overheard to say “If only they would spend as much time doing their work as they do on their hair, we’d all be better off.”

Count four alleges that the “current Congressional work schedule of three days a week for a total of 126 days in 2013 could only be the result of a) desire to rush off to fulfill other desires, so to speak or b) needing to rush of to pander for campaign contributions (see count two) and in either case constitutes taking money under false pretenses” stated Ms. Paine.

In the fifth and most damning article, they were charged with abdication of responsibility. Two principle items were offered in support of this charge.  The first is the fact that members of Congress spend more time blaming the other party or other branches of government than they do looking for solutions. Second, they failed to provide solutions to the “sequester” for two years and instead spent the time practicing their sound bites.

The sixth count accuses Congress of lying to the public.  Ms. Paine said this was self-evident.  However, examples in the indictment include suppressing Congressional Research Office reports that don’t support their positions, calling everything they don’t like either “job killers” or “helping the super rich at the expense of the middle class” and generally refusing to tell the truth to the public on the belief that either the public will blame Congress for it (as they should) or won’t blame the other party for it.

Count seven, treason for providing aid and comfort to enemies of the United States, reads in part “that there is sufficient evidence that Congress provides constant amusement and entertainment for our enemies and embarrassment to the United States and its allies” citing in particular the failure of Congress “to solve any problem that takes longer than their three day work week.”

Congressional Reaction

Congressional Counsel, attorney B. Arnold, argued that these charges only represent incompetence and do not rise to the level of criminality.

A statement issued jointly by Representative Boehner and Senator McConnell and dated, strangely, December 2008, stated “This is a result of the president’s failed leadership”.

Senator Reid and Representative Pelosi also issued a joint statement saying “Our party won the elections.  Doesn’t that count for anything?”

The trial is scheduled to begin on April 1.  Attorney’s J. Adams and T. Jefferson are expected to lead the prosecution.  Pre-trial hearings may begin immediately.

The Grand Jury is believed to be investigating similar charges against the president and justices of the Supreme Court.